CHollywell - Heartcryof a hungry soul :blog

Post archive

+ (21/02/2010 - 21:08:50)

There was a sacred moment today. One of those moments that only comes when you least expect and lasts for an instant and yet, it rings in your ears long after the revelation hits your spirit…

Understated

yet violently loud,

Maybe obvious

& yet

like understanding a 語言 {language} for the first time.

As I stood at the altar of a beautiful tiny church that I call one of my homes, I was readying myself to receive the communion and then…there it was.

A week or so ago during a Sunday morning sermon I heard the scripture where Jesus said that we need to eat His flesh and drink His blood.

He doesn’t even just say it once,

He says it repeatedly,

over

and

over

and

over.

No other explanation was offered, no expounding, no apology, nowatering down, no explaining why He appeared to be asking them to do the most extreme opposite thing to every moral fiber and thing He had so far seemed to stand for.

Nothing.

Just a simple statement - from which so many walked away.

John 6 “48 I am the bread of life….If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever; and the bread that I shall give is My flesh, which I shall give for the life of the world.”

52 The Jews therefore quarreled among themselves, saying, “How can this Man give us His flesh to eat?”

53 Then Jesus said to them, “…unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you. 54 Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. 55For My flesh is food indeed and My blood is drink indeed. 56 He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him…”

60 Therefore many of His disciples, when they heard this, said, “This is a hard saying; who can understand it?”

61 When Jesus knew in Himself that His disciples complained about this, He said to them, “Does this offend you?”…….From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more.

There is something about that scene that so disturbed me to the core, the question arises of what I would have done in their shoes.

Cannibalism?

Seriously?

I mean, we know the end of the story, but they didn't.

What were they thinking, wondering…were their dreams and hopes being flushed away with this one impossible statement that made no sense and offended every cell within them? No wonder they walked. But oh how I wish they had stayed. I find myself wishing I could cry out to Jesus, ask Him to explain just this one, right then and there. We deal so badly with offense even in the face of what we know to be trustworthy, which we can lean on in the face of uncertain presentations of reality that are offending us.

And then the last 12 disciples were left standing there.

Bemused,

perplexed,

bewildered,

confused no doubt

and yet,

they had nowhere else to go.

They did not understand any better than the others what He was asking or why He was asking it. All they knew is that they were out of options, there was nowhere else to go.

This was the answer,

HE was the answer,

they KNEW Him so well that He could have asked anything, said anything and they would have followed not because of their ability but because they trusted Him and it was as black andwhite as that. He was the only messiah, He was the only answer. Whatever.

67 Then Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you also want to go away?”

68 But Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69 Also we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

So,

I am standing at the altar after a week of this scene niggling in the back of my mind and all of a sudden the familiar passage is read andboom.

There it was.

"And Jesus took bread and He broke it, saying this is my body, broken for you"

And I got it.

It was like I was hearing it for the first time. Was like I was sitting round that table with the disciples, following Him for Him, unable to reconcile everything I have heard and yet knowing that all that was needed was that HE knew. And then He lifted the bread… andexplained.

I wanted to shout:

"oh my gosh, I CAN do that! I can eat bread and remember and… that is what you meant?!"

I felt like dancing and singing and laughing. I felt the weight of an impossible ask lift from my shoulders, the explanation freeing me from the burden of misunderstanding and confusion. I knew in that instant that He knows what He is asking, and He also knows that though He sounds like He is asking us the world, like He might offend us, confuse us, stretch us and baffle us at times with the magnanimity of what He asks…

…He also knows what He means and that we will be more than able to do what He has before us.

It’ll seem as huge as beingasked to eat flesh

but will be as easy & life giving as eating bread.

We have just got to trust and follow the person that we know rather than the doctrines we find easy to do.

I know Him.

I trust Him.

I will go anywhere for & with Him.

Where else would I go?

He is the only one with the words of eternal life, He is the only one I love more than life itself.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2009

I have just clicked. It's about love. JUST about love, not about figuring it out, or trying to measure and judge and wonder and balance and get people sussed. It's about loving them in their frailty, in their fullness, in who they are not what they are walking under the burden of. It's about doing the ONLY thing God commanded us to do and letting HIM do the rest. It's about learning to LOVE WELL, extending a grace and an unconditional love that is so radical and so beautiful and so safe and accepting that it creates a place for God to break through with His love in the places that need healing. It's about love love love. May religion, theology, judgement, cynicism, logic and all else die in me and leave only one prayer...Jesus...teach me how to love well.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10, 2009

Isaiah 55

An Invitation to Abundant Life

Oh what an invitation!!! I so desire the place of abundant life, the place where Jesus dwells and I have been made welcome and invited to come, not to just sip, not to glance longingly as though through a shop window. But oh I accept a thousand times accept the invitation to come and be and drink and twirl and rest and curl up in the arms of the one I love, the one who calls my name and leads me to the place of abundance.

¹ “Ho! Everyone who thirsts,
      Come to the waters;
      And you who have no money,
      Come, buy and eat.
      Yes, come, buy wine and milk
      Without money and without price.
       ² Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
      And your wages for what does not satisfy?
      Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
      And let your soul delight itself in abundance.

I am parched and thirsty, oh so deeply thirsty, for that fresh touch of God, for the abiding presence that is the moment when we enter the place that He dwells. Without price, without cost, without striving, without all the frills and spills of life's achievement focused mentality. Oh I drink so so deeply of the sweetness of His Word and presence. I long for more, I long to know how to feast only on the riches that He lays on the table before me. Oh that my ignorant mind would be enlightened and my flesh crucified that I could fully and completely give everything I have to the one I love!

       ³ Incline your ear, and come to Me.
      Hear, and your soul shall live;
      And I will make an everlasting covenant with you—
      The sure mercies of David.
       ⁴ Indeed I have given him as a witness to the people,
      A leader and commander for the people.
       ⁵ Surely you shall call a nation you do not know,
      And nations who do not know you shall run to you,
      Because of the LORD your God,
      And the Holy One of Israel;
      For He has glorified you.”

SHABA!!!!

     ⁸ “ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
      Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
       ⁹ “ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
      So are My ways higher than your ways,
      And My thoughts than your thoughts.

Almighty God, forgive me for the times that I have created my image of you from my perfected image of humanity. Thank you that you are so incredibly more and unimaginably greater and are full of divine contradictions that we can never get our head around so that we can never ever put you in a box.

       ¹⁰ “ For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven,
      And do not return there,
      But water the earth,
      And make it bring forth and bud,
      That it may give seed to the sower
      And bread to the eater,
       ¹¹ So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
      It shall not return to Me void,
      But it shall accomplish what I please,
      And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.

OH MY GOSH this has come up so much today!!! And as we were spoken into being, WE are words of God as well and we will accomplish what He has set out for us. Every promise, every word, every desire...they will not return to HIm void empty or fruitless. I cling and rejoice in that truth and remind myself daily of the words from His mouth.

       ¹² “ For you shall go out with joy,
      And be led out with peace;
      The mountains and the hills
      Shall break forth into singing before you,
      And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
       ¹³ Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,
      And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;
      And it shall be to the LORD for a name,
      For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

Jesus i love you, you bless my heart beyond measure and satisfy and refresh my soul beyond what I could imagine possible. Thank you for your love, your grace, your living water which never runs dry. I love you

SUNDAY, MAY 10, 2009

Its upside down, the whole thing is upside down. We speak of a kingdom that is on its head, we know that Jesus did things so contrary to logic and expectations, and yet this truth rarely permeates throughout every aspect of our lives. I had a further revelation of this this morning. Doesn't sound too profound but sometimes the most simple truths that move into our hearts, are the ones that are keys to so much of Him.

We feel tired/sick and so we wait to get prayer before we pray for people. We contend for months and years in church to see healings breakout, so we wait until we see them there before we go out onto the streets. We think this is logical, rational...not running before we can walk etc etc. Surely the pure use of those words should ring alarm bells! As I have prayed out of my weakness when I thought I needed prayer the most, healings bust out and my problems just disappear, my perspective is changed and joy fills me from head to foot. Sometimes we don't need to "deal with issues", we just need to change our perspective and remember quite who God is, how real He is and just how much He loves us...the rest sorts itself out without any further effort.

The biggest thing that dawned on me though, was that as we start praying for people on the streets after months of reasonably unsuccessfully praying for healings in the church, that healings bust out on the streets effortlessly and then what happened?....3 healings in two minutes this morning at church! come ON!!!!!

When will we realise that EVERYTHING about the kingdom of God is on its head, completely irrational, illogical, impossible and therefore 100% glorifying to GOD!!!!

Jesus would you continue and never stop turning my world on its head, removing my rationalisations and sweeping me up in a dance, running on this great adventure. God thank you that you always show up! that all you ask us to be are taps, faucets of your Spirit. Whatever we keep in the church will die in the church....thank you that as we are running and skipping and dancing on the streets and inviting people to your kingdom, you are breaking out at church.

COME ON JESUS!!!!!!!

It all started with a work experience student....

It all began with the work experience student.

I was sitting at my reception desk which I man twice a week in a local hospital, one of my three jobs, and today I was joined by a bright and keen young lady of 15yrs who was on work experience. With her there, I felt it my duty to help along, show the ropes and explain a little of what I do.

That is until we both realised that there is only so much that can be said about how to answer a phone, which way the stamp should face for a satisfyingly upright envelope and how to insert sticker sheets into the right folders. Before long the conversation became quiet and then switched to her most favorite topic, music. We chatted and chatted and she lit up, we became raucous and for a split moment I forgot I was 9 long years older than her and I entered into the banter and excitement of a teen with a passion. I entered in with such enthusiasm in fact, that before I knew what I was doing, right there in the reception of the hospital, I began to tell her all about my last few weeks and months.

I too have a passion and before I knew it out it came, every detail. I told her about the Mac and how it appeared on my doorstep just how I had seen when I was praying to God about it weeks before. I told her about the 1000 pounds God gave me that weekend and someone giving me a camera that was perfect for what I needed. I told her how I had said in March that I was going round the world this year even though it was physically impossible and I had not a penny in my pocket.

Before I could stop my excitable self I was hopping up and down in my chair, eager to tell her all about how, within literally 4 weeks, God has provided thousands and thousands of pounds, has covered every traveling cost, every visa and passport, all of the admin costs and my living AND my bank overdraft taken care of along with it! Before I knew what I was doing, I explained about Mozambique, about the miracles and what God does and what I am going to serve and do.

I didnt even get to telling her about the thousand pounds handed to me one sunday morning, people emptying the last of their bank accounts into mine as a sign of faith, the opportunity to give to others and a love from the family and friends and even people I do not know that He has placed around me that have heeded the call and been obedient and paid a cost. I was blown away by each of them had done, nor that they were as much a part in training up the harvesters and ministering to the poorest of the poor as I am. I loved the incredible principle that those who sow will reap, that the blessing comes back a hundredfold and that one little life telling the story is totally ruined and undone and broken beyond description by all God has done through His most precious children.

However, I didn't get to telling her any of this because, at this point, I came down momentarily from my place of euphoria to see a girl sitting in front of me in total silence. So silent in fact, it was like she was trying to suck the noise out of the air, a vacuum created by her dropped jaw and widened eyes. Sitting back on earth in the hospital reception on a cloudy Monday morning, I chuckled and dropped my voice, apologised for my excitement and asked...

"did I just mess up your world?"

"yes"

came the reply.

So...?

...I told her about the Florida revival and gave her www.ignitedchurch.com and www.god.tv on a little yellow post it to go explore. "Go check this out if you wanna be messed up some more honey".

I recommend it to you also. Never in my life have I seen anything like it. But to be fair, never also have I truly known the power, provision, love, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, holiness and true magnificence of the one I have the priviledge to call Abba.

Encounter...and my crazy life updates

I sit here in the dark and listen to the whisper in my spirit of the Lord's voice. Not a loud shout, nor a voice like I have known before. An impression deep in my spirit of Him, His love, His heart, His voice, His intentions. The quieter I get in His presence, the more I know things. A quiet certainty. that is what i feel right now. Not even a voice or a phrase, just a quiet certainty. He is here. I am His. I am chosen. Nothing has changed. I am going to Africa this summer. I am going to spend some of my year shoulder to shoulder with the persecuted and oppressed. I do not look with natural eyes. I do not question it...I simply know.

I have been in this place before. It has been some time but I recognise this place, like the musty smell of old familiarity. Like returning home after months of journeying. Like the remnants of a grandparents perfume or a child's blanket. I know this place so well. I am in His heart. I am consumed by Him, ravished by Him, lost in Him. I sit somehow curled in the very chambers of His heart, resting against the strong yet gentle beating of the walls. Never ending, never missing a beat. Faithfulness in every pulse. Every beat strong and yet yearning, longing, a deep beat that contains every bit of His delight and every bit of His grief and longing for His lost. I lay here in total peace and total rest and yet I lay here aching with His ache for those who are so lost and do not even know.

I ache so deeply inside it is like my very being is slowly being dismantled by conflicting emotion. Papa, please may I never leave here. Papa, I love to be with you, I long to be with you, in your very heart, totally surrounded, totally consumed, hearing nothing but you, silence in a constantly busy mind. Nothing but peace and the deep deep knowledge that many things will be and many things are...simply certain because of who you are...oh Papa would I never leave this place! And yet I ache because He aches. You cannot be here long before you ache also. He aches as He looks each one in the eye, as He holds them, loves them, heals them, calls them, feeds them. I ache for the orphan and the outcast. I ache for the broken and the rejected, the ones who have been called nothing. I ache especially for the nameless and the abandoned or the kidnapped. I ache because He aches and soon it is the ultimate dichotomy. At the same time my body and spirit are totally at peace, totally enveloped in His overwhelming love and yet also the blood begins to rush through my ears, my heart quickening in pulse and the ache growing stronger and stronger that I know I must go. I know I must follow and obey and love without measure. Love even if they dont understand me. Love even when they cannot receive it. Love because He loves and because I ache with His ache. Oh Papa, teach me how to bring your children home! Oh Papa that none of them would stay lost and cold and orphan! Oh Papa this place is too beautiful for them to stay in the cold without name or recognition. Oh Papa bring in your bride through me!!!

And so I yield again and again and again and I ask Him to bring me here often. No longer for me anymore, but to remember, that I may beat in rhythm with Him and ache as He aches. That in this place I would take the time to ask...

Papa...how are you today?

Oh God. Oh glorious beautiful majestic God whom I fear and I love with holy trembling, oh mighty awesome God..oh daddy. Would you take this offering, this yielded life. All I have and all I am again and teach me once more.

I love you.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

firstly...ok um, a few weeks ago during a soaking session I heard the Lord tell me "1000" over and over. I was sure I was making it up, I had added together what I could potentially make in profit from my artwork and it wasnt even possible! I told myself I was making it up and couldnt hear God. Anyways, this weekends conference was wonderful. I found it hard to engage at times, these past few months have been a major struggle, time of processing and just being desperate and healing. God met me inthis place and although at times it was intense and difficult, He is so very very good. Physically my body was really attacked saturday morning but felt better by the afternoon as was on the stall solidly literally all day! I think I may have recruited for Harvest school and Iris more than sold paintings but I was so blessed by peoples comments, encouragements and just the way the paintings were obviously speaking to people, as well as quite how many friends I have supporting me and praying with me and believing with me...I am more blessed than I have words for. I know so many without a community and I am overwhelmed with the family and friends God has given me for sure. Anyways, so I met other prophetic artists and made wonderful connections which was great and then sobbed my heart out through nearly the whole meeting. A friend of mine began to prophesy over me "I see planes and planes and planes, loads of travelling!" After all of that, I came home :)

Sunday was a veg out day. I counted the money and it was about £400, £200 of which covered my manufacturing costs. It was so hard not to be disappointed but I tried really hard to be actively grateful and praise God that He provided money! Then, Sunday night I get a phone call from a good friend of mine. He told me that he wanted to buy me a CAMERA!!!! it is PERFECT oh my GOSH and I was blown away. Monday morning came and another good friend of mine (Oh God I dont deserve all of these!) had been told by the Lord to invest in the younger generation as her inheritance. She handed me a check for £400!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God said "count it all". I laid all my money out and began to count. He told me to include in the price of the camera and when I did I began to scream...on the paper read £1000.70!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEN....not even half an hour from the beginning of my screaming fit, I got an email inviting me to ASIA!!!!!!!!!! I knew there was something I was meant to be doing with youth this year, that I wasnt going to be going on an outreach extension and that when Shara had mentioned Asia last summer I freaked out.....this all fitted PERFECTLY!!!! I was totally blown away and spent the rest of the evening screaming and shouting and laughing and rejoicing!

So.......although I dont have a dime of the money I need for a plane flight, it would appear I am off to Asia as well as Africa and America this year!!! hahahahahahaha!!!!

Friday, February 29, 2008

Well....Right now I am sitting wating for my crazy weekend to kick off and i pause to look over my crazy week that just begs to be told! I started a new job, got back on a horse for the first time since I wasa broken, painted like a crazy loon, went twing collecting and almost re-broke myself, got emails from Brazil, America and Korea in the space of 12 hours, was invited on a speaking tour in Asia, did admin til it was coming out of my ears, saw a beautiful 2 day old baby that is a gorjus miracle, had new art interest from the States of all places, got added to another ministry website (which in itself its nuts and wesome!), got the opportunity to talk to a beautiful friend I havent chatted with in months and....heck and?!?!?

I think that is quite enough for one week! I have decided that I live on of the most random lives of anyone I know! hahahaha, maybe I should grow up and get a steady job, husband and mortgage....then again, this is me we are talking about, I have a feeling even those will be gotten on the run! Itchy feet much? yup....just gotta pray in the finance. I need a total miracle! But I know its coming, I really do.

phew. I'm exhausted already and I haven't even started this weekend. My painting is the key picture of the prism conference here in Southampton so I have been preparing, printing, writing, painting, organising...you would never BELIEVE how much work it takes! and now I get to display all my stuff and really sell it! excitement :)

So yes....thats my crazy life..

gotta run!

My Blog Archive

Friday, January 18, 2008

I have to sleep and I am wanting to give Jesus the rest of my evening so this will be short but oh so sweet. He is ravishing me again!!! It has been a battle, still is a battle, but I can hear Him, feel Him, smell Him, touch Him! whether it is permanent or break in the clouds I do not know neither do I care right now except that I know He is here. He is wooing me like in Hosea 2, He is calling me by name and in my naked, ruined, broken mess of a state, He is calling me into His very heart and loving on me in a way and with an abundance of grace that makes no sense. I deserve punishment! What a harlot and a whore I have been to Him and yet where the world would stone me...how does it make sense that He takes us into a desert not to punish us but to give us a new name, to draw us into an even deeper place of intimacy?!!? doesnt he know our humaness? doesnt He stop trusting us? I am so overwhelmed receiving a love I have not been imparting, to know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of my actions, to be hurting for the same reasons God hurts right now and yet...oh He loves me in a way that makes no sense, that breaks my heart.

He is revealing Himself to me again as He does in the wilderness and the valley of achor (Hosea 2) truly I have never known a grace like it. I, totally undeserving and yet...and yet He calls me to Himself, He calls me by name and draws me into His heart. Not to give me answers and formula and reason. But just to love me and be with me and hold me. Oh, what to do with this?! How to lay down the hurt and pain, how to lay down hurts, pour out forgiveness, shower with grace, wipe the slate clean, trust again and truly love without condition, love as He has asked me to without needing reciprocation, loving like Jesus...because of Jesus...for Jesus and Him alone. How to cover this in grace? how to learn mercy? Oh that He would consume me. I want to abide in Him.

I am done being a twig. I cannot bear fruit without Him. I am being burned in the pile and am so ready to be grafted again, to abide in the vine.

Friday, January 11, 2008

I am in such an interesting place at the moment, life has thrown curve balls that have made me realise the humaness of the beautiful people around me, and of myself. The realisation that peole are but grass that withers and our feet are so often placed in shifting sand. The promises I have so often held people to are fallen promises made on a whim that they never know whether they really will keep or not. The only one who knows is Him, the only one I can trust and believe and, most beautifully, who loves me even though He knows my nastiest and most human side, is my beloved. Day by day I pray that He reminds me once again how to worship, how to let go of bitterness, how to reside once again in His heart and allow Him to just hold me without kicking and screaming. My heart needs Him so bad and yet I feel like an overtired child that does not know what to do with themselves at all. He is so gracious and loving and faithful and kind. It is hard for my flesh not to want to distrust Him also, to distrust whether song of songs really was for us or whether His gift or His love was conditional after all. But I look around and I know, I pray and I know, I read His word and I know. to whom else can we turn? Who else has the keys of eternal life? Who else can we trust? I can no longer trust anyone as I trust Him. He is jealous, burning with jealousy but He is slow to anger, not slow to love. He sees our imperfections, our ugliness, our cancerous thoughts and battered hearts but He does not despise us for them, neither does He ask us to sort them before He will love us again. He does not hold us to the human standards that we are so often hurt and let down by, He loves us in the midst of it all, regardless of what happens next, even if we dont change, he still loves us. That is a truth that right now is blowing my mind, that has me speechless in so many ways. I have been hurt like I thought I could never be by someone who does not even realise how they have hurt me. Broken promises of who I was to them when, when all is said and done, it turns out that they didn't love me as much as they thought they did after all, instead despised me. To be loved for the Jesus that pours forth through our lives is such an incredible honor and makes me so happy. But to be loved unconditionally, wherever we are at, however we act, warts and all, just because we are us, not because of what we do or hear or the relationship we have with our Daddy...that is a much truer love.

Misty sings in one of her songs; "...disillusionment it is a gift..." it made me think and think this afternoon, how could disillusionment possibly be a gift? Because it pushes us further towards the one who is altogether lovely and altogether holy. It reminds us that this world is but a breath and the men in it but grass that withers and falls. It keeps us in a place where our eyes have to be turned towards Him because there is nothing left. Oh that we would learn to love Him like He loves us, to walk as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego walked, to love Him without condition and without offense.

Daddy, I want to be in that place again.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The Narrow Gate - Martin Scott - http://www.3generations.eu/blog/

A good friend, Andy Knox, sent me this yesterday. He is someone who hears the Lord accurately, and when I wrote about ‘the gate’ he was encouraged to send me what he had been hearing. I commend it to you for prayer… again it is possible what is released in 08 is released then but the manifestation takes place after the year.
I heard the Lord say 2008 is the year of the narrow gate. I saw the gate in a hedgerow, and the other side of it a wide open field. It fells like a squeeze to get through the gate, but the wide open spaces in God the other side of it are really beautiful, where He sets our boundaries in place.

For some, the squeeze is like that of Joseph in going from Potiphar’s house through Prison into his place of destiny and purpose in God. He’d done well in the service of Potiphar, but in order to get to where He could fully inherit all that God had for him, and see the fulfillment of things dreamt about, he had to go through the squeeze of the narrow prison gate. In that place he probably felt pretty vulnerable, a bit like he’d lost it, disillusioned and then, through faithfulness, interpreting and understanding the nature of dreams and some key appointments, he’s through the gate and into the wide open space of seeing the provision of the provider in a ‘foreign land’ to be a blessing to the nations. So, a repositioning is taking place, but the way to that place feels very uncomfortable.

For others the squeeze is one like the camel going through the eye of the needle. Literally, baggage has to be put down, that cannot be hauled through afterwards. Things from the last season cannot be carried into the next. For some that includes radical decisions about finances, for some it means dealing with unnecessary burdens of false guilt, but the provision on the other side of the gate is so vast, that there needs to be no fear of letting go.

I also believe that for many, Numbers13/Deuteronomy 1 is a key narrative in 2008. 2000 was a year that the Lord clearly spoke to forerunners that it was time to ‘go in and possess the land’. The spies have now returned and there are 2 reports being released to the body of Christ. 1 report says, that we should stay at the mountain, that the giants in the land are too big, and we would be stupid to try anything different to what we know. The 2nd is one that says, the fruit is good, the land is fertile, our God is bigger and He is the provider and protector. Yes there are giants, but it is a time for courage and hope in the knowledge of who God is. If we don’t cross the river and fully circumcise our hearts we cannot see and be the fullness of all that God intends. This year is a big year of chioce for the people of God to listen to the report of hope. We have to learn to stand together in a new way.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

"Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted"

"Implicit in this statement is that those who do not mourn will not be comforted and those who do not face endings will not receive the beginnings" Walter Brueggemann

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Today I determined that, being in a place I have never been before, it would be wisdom to at least try and journal all that is going on that I might least attempt to leave a log for in the future when hindsight is once more 20/20 and the world is rose colored again.

Right now, I am in Southampton, staying with friends, unable to work and just trying to find my feet in what feels like very shifting sand transition times. I returned from America two weeks ago exactly and from Mozambique Africa in September. 2007 has established itself in my memory archives as one of the most packed, head spinning and crazy years I have ever known. My feet barely touched the ground and what an exhilarating ride it was! However it leaves me here, through incredible highs and lows, I now find that I have finally stopped.

The place I am in now has been called so many things by people I speak to, wilderness, barren place, furnace, hard place, a new season..who knows. They are all great spiritual phrases and all valid in their own right but the thing is, none of them totally fit. The place I am in now is one of complete stopping. It is as if God has totally immobilised me, not given me the tiniest hint as to my next twist or turn, the next direction or step. He has pretty much completely pulled the carpet from my feet on every front. Every thing I ever thought was certain, my last remaining strands of permanence whether physical health, job, ministry, location or closest friends...has been ripped from me and I am left knowing only three words. He is here.

How I move from this place or even stay and reside in it, I am unsure. What to do next is an unknown and yet what to do now is no more clear. I adore my beautiful God who is so faithful and true. I trust Him for He is trustworthy. I just don't understand Him. In time I will, I know that. This is not a permanent season and as I lay things down and choose to let go even the most precious things to me, I know that some will be restored and some will leave forever. Which ones are which I do not know and I just choose to trust God with the things most precious to me and the people that I would give my life for in a heartbeat. Nothing is certain anymore. No-one is certain, all are human and whatever God's plans and purposes and design, we all have our choices and desires. All I can do is open my hands and look back to Him expectantly, desperately hoping that at some point, letting go of them will hurt less and He will guide me as to what is next, and whether or not He will restore all that He ordained and established.

I don't expect anyone to understand what I write, it doesn't matter how this reads except that it is on paper, it is written that I might remember this place. I do not want to forget nor despise the place I am in, this place of so much and so little. I know that God is teaching me contentment, He is teaching me who He is again, His place. As my jealous husband, as my everything. His faithfulness is beautiful, His jealousy is unimaginable, His love is off the scale and His grace and forgiveness knows no limit. I am undone by Him and am not worthy for Him to take the time to not just give me another job to do but to strip all away and see what is left, to purify for Himself a bride of His very own who is eager only to do what is good (Titus 2:14) and is His. So here I will stay until He tells me to go elsewhere. Not just because I am trapped and unable to decide to move, but because I trust Him and I know that He has a purpose.

All I need to know, is that He still has a strategy...and I am in it.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

It is a new year and God is here :)

It thrills my heart to its very core that when all is stripped away, when we are shells of ourselves, at the end of everything that we are and that we know...He is there. He remains there in faithfulness, in goodness, in peace and perfection, in holiness, in forgiveness. The very essence of everything that He is and was and will be. The great I AM goes nowhere.

I have ridden the tossing and turning waves of the last year. I have seen things beyond comprehension, by His grace been shown things I did not deserve to see and yet have also known the storm, the pain and the furnace in the midst of the greatness and wonder. As Heidi has said and lives day by day, it is a cup of suffering as well as joy. The two come hand in hand and as much as I despise the suffering at times, I praise God that I can trust Him. When all else fails around me, when all else crumbles and falls, all I am left to realize to an even greater clarity is the even greater extent to which I can trust Him and entrust Him with everything. He goes nowhere. We do everything we can and live out of our flesh and our humaness, covered in the cancer of sin and yet over and over and over, instead of offense He offers love, instead of anger He extends grace and forgiveness, instead of turning His back and walking away, He is running with His arms outstretched, tears pouring down His beaming face to once again embrace the son, the daughter, that He loves and has given everything in eternity for.

I am undone by His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness and most of all His love. I have stood on the stormy sea and felt the wind whip my face, the boat no longer in sight. I cannot turn back, I asked Him to take me out of the boat, I asked to walk on water. It is me and Him now, nothing else, no security or comfort other that what I know in Him. Me and Him, eyes locked, almost a stand off as He asked me this year if I will continue to walk, continue to trust Him as the waves continue to beat against my feet, the gale battering my wind burnt cheeks. For so long this winter I have found myself crying "Jesus, I just can't", at the end of myself, frozen with fear, with tiredness, with uncertainty, with so much that cannot even be articulated. I chose to look at the waves, to stare at the wind. To trust the things that I saw and felt and knew, to trust my 'reality', my common sense, what I knew and to try and run to the boat behind, to choose comfort after all, to backtrack on where He has brought me, by my own asking. But the boat is nowhere to be seen...and I began to sink.

A human standing there would have walked away, would have been hurt, disappointed, rejected...so many things. We read Peter's story with criticising eyes and judgemental minds. But Jesus never criticised him. He never said a thing against him. The amount of grace extended to Peter throughout Jesus' life is astounding. We don't understand, it makes no sense to our human reasoning but the thing is...

...at least Peter got out of the boat.

It is a life lesson that I think I will learn and continue to learn until my dying day. I almost want to remain captive to human reasoning and the judgment and opinion of man for feeling of deserving it. Fear of man and fear of the unknown and circumstance had so quickly frozen me from the pure childlike thrill and delight of walking on the water, doing the impossible with Jesus. But Jesus never condemned him like we so often feel we should be. The ending of 2007 for me was not the failure that the world and my mind would have me believe it was. On the contrary. God is God. At the end of ourselves, there is more room for His rule and reign. I feel like I am so far from everything He has for me and then I discover the greatest new years present of all...I am right where He wants me, where He needs me. The only place where my pride is no longer, where my hands and prised open, nothing left, empty and broken, a place from which anything can happen. Him and me. Me and Him. My creator, my beloved, my best friend, my master, my everything....and I.

What does 2008 hold? I have no idea. Who will come on the journey along the way? Does it even matter any more? I trust Him. Everything of my world has crumbled and yet...

...He has not forsaken me, nor ever will.

Praise be to God the maker of heaven and earth. The earth is His tabernacle and I will praise Him for as long as I live simply because He is worthy. He is trustworthy and true. I can run to the far sides of the earth, to the deepest depths of the sea and He is there, He knows my thoughts before they form in my head. He is faithfulness. He is love. He is perfection. He is holy. He is in control.

He is everything.

Jesus, I only know one thing walking into this year on the waves, staring into your beautiful beautiful eyes and that is....

.....that I love you.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

God spoke to us today about Him being our friend, about how heaven was not this big freaky thing that is full of responsibility and accountability and purpose and all of that, but He just showed us what He showed us cos we are His friends and He wanted to. How releasing! It makes me miss Him and it again. It makes me dare to pray again to meet Him in that place because it is not this huge heavy thing, it is merely the place where friends meet and commune and delight in showing off to each other.

This fall, however horrific, has been the balancer for this summer. One without the other would have destroyed me and the world around me and us. Both together has been a furnace like no other where God has answered our prayer for total dependence. He has shown us Himself as the unmoving rock, as the constant in the storm and the only one we can trust completely. He has shown us Himself as a friend. It has taken three months of intense and sometimes hellish times to realize that and to be in a place where instead of speaking the lingo or jumping from one high to the next, there is a deep seated reality that even in the valley, even if we run to the far sides of the sea and make our bed in the darkest night, He is there.

Most nights, that is all the Lord has said to me as I have wept and wept in His arms. Not some shallow empty words, but as I cried His name, He simply held me and repeated "I am here". Three words which made this fall ok. Three words that in the midst of not even feeling Him let along seeing straight, gave me the hope and the comfort to continue to cling. He does not go anywhere. It is not about 'ministry' or all of that stuff. It's just not. It's about, as we go, making disciples, getting His heart, seeing and hearing whatever He wants us to see and hear and being obedient. But above all, it is about being His friend, His beloved, just being with Him. Knowing that you are enough, that the natural overflow of a faith and love of Him in that context, is the delight in pleasing Him and helping Him and being in partnership with Him.

Let's leave the complicated deep theology, doctrine and paradigms to the more intellectual among us, those who minister in those areas and who the Lord has blessed with the gift to pick out the detail in His perfect order. But I do not want to be that person, cannot be that person. Maybe I believe too simplistically. That is ok with me. My faith comes down to the simple facts. Jesus died for me, He did everything He ever needed to do. His grace is sufficient and covers me and He wants to be my friend not my master. Everything is simply and purely out of an extravagance of love. What a delight! He shows me heaven and gives me words and visions because I am His friend, not because I have this great huge 'anointing' and 'ministry' etc. He loves to sit with me and point out people and give me His heart, not cos I have some huge burden and responsibility to carry, but because friends share everything together. I am His friend.

I do not know so much about the future, the reason for all that has gone before, this year or anything else. But what I do know, is that this next year is going to be ok. I don't know how quite yet, everything in me feels quite sick as I realize that it looks nothing like I had dreamed it would. But He has it. We can rely or put our hope and trust in no man. He is there. Just like He is here. That is my message, His message. That is all I have left.

Thank you God. Forever. Thank you.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

My Commitment as a Christian - [Found in the office of a young African pastor in Zimbabwe]

"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I'm a disciple of His. I won't look bacj, let up, slow down, back away or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or popularity. I dont have to be right, first, tops, recognised, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer and labor in power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocraty.

I wont give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed ip, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ, I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till he comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till He stops me; and when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognising me - my banner will be clear."

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Authority

As I sat down to write this talk about authority I looked forward to discovering the original meanings of the word “authority”, in divulging amazing revelation about what it means in contexts within the bible, looking at the authority of God, of Jesus, of us. I had decided to study about praying in Jesus’ name, casting out demons and performing many miracles. I had set the agenda by which I would talk, it was gonna be full of building up, power-filled, us conquering the world kinda stuff. It was going to be about authority.

I wrote five pages. God scrapped the lot.

He asked me very gently a question which changed this talk, changed it from my agenda to his. I am aware that it is therefore not the bog standard teaching on authority talk, but it is what I believe the Lord asked me study.

He asked me who was in authority over me.

Recently I have been struggling so hard with control or lack of it within my life. 21 is one of those pivotal ages whereby everything is changing, nothing is stable and life is turned upside down. Whereas before, I am one of those people who plans things a year in advance, now I do not even know the outcome of the day I sit in let alone where in the world – literally, I will be next year. All my life I have had control of situations, I have been able to ask the Lord his plans, and work through them myself. Until now. This past week he has taken me and removed every shred of authority and control I have had over my own life until I had nothing left. It is this he asked me to talk about.

For someone or something to have authority over you, it has power, command, control, strength and might. It determines what you do and when you do it, it sets out how you achieve things and what opportunities you will and will not have. What is in authority over us? I am aware that the instant response is that God is in authority over us and as we decide to give our lives to him, this is certainly true. However, I propose that there are three other things that can take that place, that can determine what we do, how we do it and therefore take the place of our dear Lord in controlling, determining and running our lives.

The first is timing. be it over money, our job, our situation, house, ministry or opportunities. 2 Peter 2:19 says “..a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him.”. Are we slaves to our own time agendas?

I have personally struggled with this recently, jobs and house security causing great worry and stress. I can find myself saying “I know you can provide Lord, but I just don’t know it any more.” In saying that, what I was really saying to the Lord was “I believe in the concept of you, I also even believe that you exist and can do this. But I am terrified that your plans are gonna be different to mine and think you need a bit of help bringing about the promises you told me, into fruition.” All too many times have I found myself trying to “help” the Lord provide money, a job, a house etc. Only yesterday has this been a massive struggle and he reminded me of something that happened the summer before I came to university.

He knows far better than we ever do. At the end of the day, if he has planned the end, he will plan the means and if he hasn’t planned the end that you are heading for, then praise him when the means don’t appear so that you can be living in the fullness of the plans he has for you. The great, abundant and fulfilling promises and plans far beyond what you could ever comprehend or dream. I asked a question of the Lord, actually I was whining at him big time about something and he said “ok, have it your way”. Instantly I remembered all those situations when I have thought I knew best. I didn’t, I don’t. God knows me far better than I ever will and I know that whatever is his will, then that is the absolute best for me for who would ask his father for bread and be given a snake? How much more does our father in heaven love and provide for us? I have been reminded not to forget the past and to know that God knows what we need, clothes, food, all of it. Matthew 6 is famous for telling us the non-need of worrying. And yet we try and grab back control over all the things in our lives that we own, have and are trying to get.

The second thing that can have huge authority over our lives is other people and fear of man. I am constantly challenged by the thought, If we truly lived in the knowledge and the identity of children of God, if we truly lived as his bond servants alone. Then what the world said or did or thought would have no bearing on us whatsoever. It took me over a year to have the guts to kneel in church, why? I was terrified as to what people might think of me, maybe it was the wrong time, maybe they don’t do it like that here….who am I kneeling for again? People around us have the level of control over us that we give them. No more, no less. Its just that we so very often forget that.

Lastly, more than anyone else, I have realised the person with the most authority over my life up until recently was…me. Yeah I gave my life to Christ young and he directs everything I do and say…up to a point, it has always been comfortable and it has always involved plans I liked. That is until recently. What I realised was during a time of fasting which taught me oh so much…I remembered something that was said in a sermon a while back…

The analogy was of the Lord driving with us in a car…where would he be? Without thinking, I replied in my head, he would be in the passenger seat with me, The front one mind, where I can speak with him and he can direct me etc

It never even occurred to me he could be anywhere else in that image, it was great, we would natter and he would tell me where to go and what to do and I would drive us.

HOWEVER, what if he was to truly take the driving seat? I thought and thought about this concept and it started to terrify me. I’d have no idea where I was going, no control over speed or avoiding obstacles, I would be completely at his mercy and everything would be up to him.

I know that personally I know and think that He is always in the driving seat and directing everything fully. However, if I completely honest as the Lord has asked me to be… I also know that this isn’t true. He is in control up to the point where I let him be. He is in jurisdiction over stuff as long as it is in line with what I wanted in the first place.

We know that in Jesus we see the image of God and therefore strive to emulate his actions and morality within our own lives. Well, in John 5:30 Jesus himself states “..I have no desire to do what is pleasing to myself…but only the will and pleasure of the Father who sent me..”. The one person with infinite authority over heaven and earth, the ability to say and do anything beyond our comprehension and yet without the Father’s direct will, he would do nothing. The bible describes us as bond servants. These are servants who are bound to their master for (I think) 7 years. They have an earring hammered into their ear as a sign of their loyalty and their lives are lived purely to do whatever they can for the master. we are bond servants of Christ, we were crucified with him and therefore raised up with him into new lives completely controlled by him.

John 15: 4-8

“Dwell in me and I will dwell in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit by itself without abiding in (being VITALLY UNITED to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in me. I am the Vine, you are the branches. Whoever lives in me and I in him, bears much abundant fruit. However, apart from me, you can do nothing…If you live in Me and My WORDS remain in you and continue to live in your hearts, ask whatever you will and it shall be done for you. When you bear fruit, My Father is honoured and glorified and you show and prove yourselves to be true followers of mine.”

As I thought further about the car scenario, truly freaking out about the ramifications of letting God entirely lose on my plans, I was lead to one concrete conclusion …

If Jesus was in the drivers seat I would sit and face him, if I didn’t know where I was going I wouldn’t even watch. I would just enjoy the ride, I’d talk with him, giggle and sing car songs with him, every so often asking where we were going but delighting and laughing when he winked and said “it’s a surprise!”

Matt 16:24-26 [MSG] says

“…Anyone who intends to come with me HAS to let ME lead. You’re not in the drivers seat I AM...Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, My way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?…”

What has authority over us? What is it we are giving power in our lives?

As I prayed over this talk…seeing as it completely didn’t turn out how I’d planned, the Lord told me;

To receive God’s authority and power…we must let go of our own.

I have a million notes about the authority he has given us and that which we walk in, our inheritance form God, our co-heir identity with our beautiful saviour. But without first surrendering ourselves, dying to every fleshly bit of ourselves and abandoning ourselves to Gods authority, it cannot move through us effectively because we are not letting us.

“For even if I boast somewhat freely about the authority the Lord gave us for building up rather than pulling down, I will not be ashamed of it.” (2 Corinthians 10:8)

How afraid are we of letting go of plans and things? How ashamed are we of who we are in Christ around those people we see every day? How much do we boast in that which God has given us? God has challenged me very personally with this one.

This has been such a personal struggle and challenge that the Lord has asked me to share that I felt it appropriate to finish by sharing a journal entry from a while ago when I knew less than I did now, no idea as to the plans for the Lord, house, job, America, living, friends, husband, any of it.

Right now I am treading middle ground. I am lukewarm. Not in my love and praise, prayer or worship of my almighty king. But with my frivolous life. If He doesn’t exist, I am wasting so many hours preaching, praying, worshipping that I could be spending raising money to achieve what I wish to achieve in life, where I wish to go, doing what I want to do before it is too late. BUT If he is real, of which I am more than convinced, then this time I am spending striving, trying to figure it out, trying to formulate a plan, trying to be in control, trying to tell God where I want to visit and live…I am wasting my time. If I have truly heard the call of God on my life, if I truly meant what I said when I first told the Lord he could use me and that my life was ENTIRELY in his hands, then I must die to flesh. Actually, painfully, humbly, scarily, really (not just in our wonderful “spiritual imaginations/minds”) but in REALITY – die to my flesh and wait to see where he would send me.

Am I willing to broaden my horizons? Can I trust him in where he would send me? Can I truly stop becoming self focused and fix my eyes upon the beautiful face of the Lord?

I am surrendering control. Daily, hourly, minutely. I am consciously choosing to die to myself because I know with all my heart that He is worth far more than all of me.